🔗 Share this article These Words shared by A Father That Saved Us during my time as a First-Time Parent "In my view I was simply in survival mode for twelve months." One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. However the actual experience rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured. Severe health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I took on all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared. After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone. The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering. His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a broader inability to open up amongst men, who often hold onto damaging notions of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave." "It is not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds. Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time. They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a respite - going on a few days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He came to see he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her. Self-parenting That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood. He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. As a child Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem." Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone. Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games. Pay attention to the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing. Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the best way you can look after your household. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional support he missed out on. When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I feel like my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."
"In my view I was simply in survival mode for twelve months." One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. However the actual experience rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured. Severe health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I took on all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared. After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone. The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering. His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a broader inability to open up amongst men, who often hold onto damaging notions of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave." "It is not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds. Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time. They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a respite - going on a few days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He came to see he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her. Self-parenting That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood. He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. As a child Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem." Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone. Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games. Pay attention to the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing. Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the best way you can look after your household. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional support he missed out on. When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I feel like my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."